Attack of the Typo Twins!
by TsukiNoBara
Summary: Abandoned. Based on a thread that was deleted. A Random Guy Named Chris Podima has escaped from Hika's basement! Worse, he's going to take over the Cardboard Box with MarySues and Typo Twins! Can anyone stop him?
1. The Basement is Open

**ATTACK OF THE TYPO TWINS!**

Script made by: A lot of people 

Made into a readable story by: C-chan AKA me! 

Started by: A Random Guy named Chris Podima   
(the guy who lives in Hika's basement and is fed Generic Quality Rats) 

Starring: A lot of people   
Category: Would be original, but it has a few LotR and HP characters   
Genre: Action/Adventure/Horror/Humor   
Rating: PG-13 

Extra stuff: If you are offended by male/male relationships, leave.   
If you are offended by killing Mary-Sues, you are extremely weird,   
or you don't know what a Mary-Sue is. The Cardboard Box is where   
The Pencil Show is hosted, and is a "home" for all of us TPS fans. 

* * * * * * * * * * * 

A guy with blonde hair with a red bandanna tied pirate-style on his head was sitting in a basement, scheming. He was wearing a green computer shirt, blue jeans, and he had a demonic grin on his face. He was a Random Guy Named Chris Podima, who wasn't eating the Generic Quality Rats that Hika always fed him while he was locked in her basement. 

"Curses," he muttered. "I have to come up with a plan to conquer the Cardboard Box…but I CAN'T! I HAVE EVIL GENIUS' BLOCK!" He growled. 

Suddenly, a guy appeared out of who-knows-where. He looked similar to Chris, but with a green bandanna tied like a ninja's ribbon on his head, and he had a small smirk on his face. "Hel-LO!" he said. "How are you today?" 

Chris looked up. "Who…" he started. "Scratch that. What the hell are you?" 

The other guy bowed, and announced, "Your new typo twin." 

"Typ-what?" 

The guy smiled widely. "That's easy to explain, silly!" he said. "A typo twin is created every time someone misspells a name. A typo twin is also known as a MiniBalrog sometimes, if you don't want to go to the trouble of creating a new character. My name is Chriss." 

"You talk too much," Chris announced. "And you sound like a friggin' fairy." 

"No, just a male Mary-Sue, also known as a Gary-Stu." 

"WHAT?" 

"Mary-Sues are perfect in every way," Chriss made a face. "Disgustingly so." 

"Sounds about right." 

"However," he continued, "these Mary-Sues are loathed greatly by the residents of the Cardboard Box, and thought to be certain death... there's an ongoing flame war against them. How scary!" He shuddered. 

Chris blinked. "Okay, aside from that completely fairyish thing you just did, what you just said is verrrry interesting…" his eyes glittered. 

And the Random Guy suddenly thought of a plan. It was a nasty plan! It was a horrible and nasty plan! It was a disgusting, horrible, and nasty plan! 

"Shaddup," Chris said to the narrator. "It's a good plan. Chriss, are you pondering what I'm pondering?" 

"Sure, Chris," he replied. "But why would we want to give each other makeovers?" 

Now it was Chris's turn to shudder. "No, Chriss... it's time to... TAKE OVER THE CARDBOARD BOX! FOR I HAVE A PLAN! Come, Chriss. Let's go prepare." 

Both boys left, as the narrator started humming the Pinky and The Brain theme song. 

*** 

It was a particularly dark night. A chair at a desk was turned away from the door, the occupant facing the window. 

"It always gets darker when something's afoot," the person commented. The chair rocked back and forth slightly. "I know I'll be the one to catch it hot from some dame." 

The door opened slowly, revealing a beautiful, blonde, teenage woman with goggles on her head. She came up to the desk. "Excuse me?" she asked. 

The chair swung around, revealing a guy with black eyes and red hair that was down to his shoulders. At least, it would have been if it weren't put up in pony-tail. He was wearing a black trench coat with black boots. His name was Esau, and his favorite color was black for some reason. "Yeah, lady?" 

"Are you a private eye?" she asked. 

"Yes I am," he answered. 

"My name is Hikaness, and I've got a case," she announced. 

Esau rolled his eyes. "Really," he said sarcastically. "What are you willing to pay?" 

"As much as needed." 

This got his attention. "Well, what's the deal?" 

"The problem is my Chris Podima," Hikaness said. "He's escaped from my basement and I'm afraid he may come after me and my Cardboard Box." 

"Another Chris Podima." Esau sighed. "Really, lady, you've really been careless." 

"It's not my fault," Hika replied defensively. 

"It never is. Do you know what he has planned?" 

"I'm afraid he may have made an alliance with the Mary-Sues," she said, shuddering slightly. "They've been more active in my part of town lately." 

"Everything's just gotten uglier," he announced. "Alright, I'll take your case, but it'll cost ya." 

"As I said, money is no object." 

"All right." 

The two walked out. Suddenly, a teenage boy who had been hidden in the shadows came out. He was about 5'10", and had blue eyes, medium brown hair that was slightly past his shoulders, and he was wearing dark blue T-shirt and jeans with black shoes. His name was Daniel, also known as Carbon-Based Biped. "HEY! WAIT FOR MEEEEEEEEEEEE!" he shouted as he ran after them. 

*** 

Chriss and Chris entered a room with many, many filing cabinets. There was a thin, brunette woman sitting behind a desk, doing paperwork. A ruggedly handsome blonde man was organizing the file cabinets. There was a sign hanging on the front of the desk that said "I don't know why they came. I just find Mary-Sues and alert the Community. It's not my job to ask questions." 

The woman looked up. "Hoya, and welcome to the Mary-Sue Recon File Storage," she greeted them. "My name is She Who Gives Migraines. How may I help you?" 

"We're looking for the files on all the LotR Mary-Sues you can find," Chris announced. "Particularly the ones with bad grammar." 

She Who Gives Migraines, otherwise known as She, blanched. "B-bad g-grammar?" 

Over at the filing cabinets, the man, known as Éomer, visibly trembled. 

"And the more Frodo 'Sues, the better," Chris added. 

"Sir," She said as she folded her hands, "are you aware that if you are caught using these files for anything other than PPC purposes, it can merit being sent back to OFUM and being used for MiniBalrog basketball, or worse?" 

Chris announced that he did know. She started typing into her computer. "Oh, and one other thing," she said. "I was told to look out for A Random Guy Named Chris Podima. You're not A Random Guy Named Chris Podima...are you?" 

"Nope," the Random Guy Named Chris Podima announced. 

"Oh!" She smiled cheerfully. "Okay, then. Try Fanfiction.net-town; I've heard they're a real Mary-Sue hot spot. Éomer, be a good boy and give the nice guy the files." 

"She, aren't you going to make him flash an ID or something?" he asked cautiously. 

"No. Don't make me spank you again," She told him. 

Éomer shuddered before walking over and giving Chris a huge folder. 

"Thank you," she said, "and please report all Mary-Sues to your nearest Recon Storage Unit! Toodlepip!" 

"Right," Chris replied as he and Chriss left. 

"What a nice guy!" She commented. Éomer smacked his forehead. 

And so, A Random Guy Named Chris Podima had gotten ahold of Recon files, thanks to a somewhat dim-witted Recon File Unit secretary. Where is Private Esau?! What's going on?! Where's the rest of the Box already?! Come on, people! We need- 

_End Transmission_. 

*** 

Drawn on Bandaide sighed. "Typo twins."   
Drawn on Bandayd popped up. "HULLO!"   
Drawn on Bandaide jumped. "EEK! Chris and Chriss, you can have her. Two of me would be insane. PLEASE!"   
Drawn on Bandayd was tying people's shoelaces together, and got an innocent look on her face. "Not me. I'm just a little angel. See my halo?" A halo popped up, held up by devil horns.   
Drawn on Bandaide left. 

The first random moment has just ended. 

*** 

A girl named Harriet was sitting in her classroom getting ready for a test. Well, she was supposed to be. She was actually drawing. But she was doing something when her supersonic hearing detected *DUNDUNDUUUUN* AN INSULT TO HOMOSEXUALITY! 

Leaping up and running from the school, disregarding her upcoming lesson, she was suddenly confronted by... THE EVIL CHANDLER-SENSEI! 

The EVIL, MEAN, NASTY teacher gave her a Death Glare and said in a voice that could freeze flame, "And just where do you think YOU'RE going, Harriet?" 

"Outside," squeaked Riona - for it was she. In her fury, she had transformed into... RIONA LEONHART, SHE WHO LIKES SHOUNEN-AI WAY TOO MUCH! "Someone's been insulting homosexuals. I suspect Pan's parents." 

"Wonderful!" cackled the evil devil-spawn. "Fairies must all die! PREJUDICE SHALL RULE!" 

Riona, thoroughly fed up with this, flapped her precious copy of VIGIL in her arch-enemy's face. Shocked by the beautiful shounen-ai between Zell and Seifer, Chandler-sensei grabbed her Red Pen to write a scorching flame on the story. Riona took advantage of this lapse to bolt past her and out of the gate. Free on the street, she suddenly received a transmission from Hika on her standard-issue TPS mini-microphone. 

"Hey, people! Chris Podima has escaped! We need the help of all of you!" 

"What's his opinion on shounen-ai?!" yelled Riona down her own microphone, but Hika had been cut off. She shrugged and set off. Dealing with runaway Chris Podimas took first priority in any case. 

*** 

Two brunette girls and two dragons (one green, one red) were sitting around a campfire, burning Mary-Sues. The green dragon perked up. Her name was Venomeyes, but it was usually shortened to V. "Hoo-boy. there's another cliched plot to take over something-or-other brewing," she announced. V had VERY large wings, and was roughly the size of a school cafeteria. No one had worked out how she fit anywhere yet. The world may never know. Wanna Tootsie Pop? 

Nekalith, also known as N, was the brick-red dragon. Unlike V, her wings were proportioned to the rest of her body. She was also more stoutly built. She looked around. "I think this one's been watching too much TV…" 

San was a pale human with a medium build. She had hazel eyes, silver clothes, and dark brown hair. She also had an arrow through her head for some reason. She smiled. "Then a-hunting we shall go!" 

Tapioca, AKA T, was extremely pale. Her eyes never stayed one color for some odd reason, although you could barely tell, since she wore sunglasses a lot. She had slate grey hair, and dressed mostly in dark red. She sighed. "So many clichés, so little time…" 

T and San jumped on the backs of the two dragons and went off to…er…"hunt" 

*** 

First, things first. The scene of the escape. Hikaness took Daniel and Esau to her basement, the living space of Chris Podima for who-knows-how-long. 

When they arrived, Hika decided to call some friends. Esau went into the basement while she make her calls… 

It was a dark, dark room. A door opened. A chain rattled, and with a soft clicking sound, the room was filled with harsh, yellow light. A simple staircase was against the opposite wall, and several boxes were scattered all over the place. 

Esau walked down the stairs. "Hmm," he said. "Perfect environment for Podima. He picked up a box at the foot of stairs and shook his head. "Perfect food source as well." 

Hika walked down the stairs. "Well, I tried. How did he get out?" 

"Simple," Esau commented. He nodded in the direction of the door. "Through the door." 

Silence for a bit. Hika nodded. "Uh...huh. My puzzlement was geared more towards how he managed to OPEN the door." 

"He didn't open the door," Esau deducted. 

"Then who did?" she asked impatiently. 

"A typo twin." He tapped the box and handed it to Hikaness. 

She took it without even looking at the label. "Generic Brand Rats. So what?" 

"Look closer." 

Hika reads the label out loud. "Gemeric Bran Ratts...specially formulated for typo twins?!" 

"Exactly," Esau announced. "We have of a typo twin of Chris Podima running around, and almost certainly helping him." 

"And if they want to make an alliance with the Mary-Sues…" 

"…then the first place they'll go is the Mary-Sue Recon File Storage Center. Let's go." 

They both ran back up the stairs. The lights turned off, and the door slammed behind 

"Um...guys?" Daniel's voice was heard. "GUYS?! HEY! IT'S DARK DOWN HERE! HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEY!!! Whoops!" Daniel apparently slipped, crashing into things, and causing other stuff to make small explosions. There was a shrill, screeching noise in the darkness. "What the-" Daniel started, before letting out a gasp. 

*** 

A 12 year old female with wavy, auburn hair and a short, skinny, strapless, red dress walked in. She reminds people vaguely of Jessica Rabbit. "My name is Jessica," She announced. "I've seen many things in my life but... none as terrible as this. The Sues are taking over. They won't get to me though. They're scared of me. For some reason... unknown." 

A dim spotlight appeared over Jessica. "They've been trying to get to me. Corrupt my mind. Turn me even more evil than I already am." There's an explosion in the background. "I must go! They must have found a way to get to me! To my mind!" She ran out of the room, but not as fast as usual, because of her high-heeled shoes. 

*** 

In a field just outside a large dairy farm, something that appears to be a large overturned can is set on the ground. This is the Aluminum Trashcan, a small division of the Cardboard Box. A barefooted girl with long, chestnut brown hair and a guitar, a petite young woman with short and very dark brown hair, and a lanky boy with black hair are standing around a girl with a long braid of light brown hair. She is unconscious. Finally, the guitar-wielding girl speaks up "…So what happened to Jorinna again, Tina?" 

Tina, the petite, dark-haired young woman, took a swig of straight black coffee from a large thermos and rubbed her temples. "She started screaming about the end of the world and flailing around. Gave me a headache. Whydja have to give her such a loud scream, StarKate?" 

StarKate prodded the unconscious Jorinna with her instrument, but to no avail. "How come she's unconscious?" 

Tina glanced sharply at the black haired boy, who was looking belligerently at StarKate and fingering a menacing looking spatula. "How do you think? Max got tired of her screaming." 

StarKate looked angrily at the black haired boy. "MAX!" 

"What?!" he asked defensively. "She's your loudest OC!" 

"She also predicts the future!" StarKate told him. "Goddess on a Stick, she might have seen something important!" 

Max scoffed at this. "Yeah, right. Come on, what could happen to the Cardboard Box? Even Sauron is afraid of you fangirls. You'd have to be as insane as Hika to try and attack the Cardboard Box." 

"You were here first," said Tina, pointing at him. "What did Jorinna say?" 

Max scratched his head. StarKate was still prodding Jorinna, unsurprisingly with no reaction whatsoever. "Mary. . . something about Mary Sues. . . and that the basement was open. She probably came across a bad Mary Sue. I TOLD StarKate not to give her stupid OCs access to the internet, but does she listen to ME? Nooo." 

Tina glared at Max. "I am one of those 'stupid OCs,' thank you very much." Tina's face suddenly turned very white. "Max…she said the basement was open?" 

"Yeah," he answered. "I told you, she's nuts." 

"Max, who do we know who is kept locked up in a basement?" 

Max scratched his head. "Uh…" 

"Chris Podima, you moron!" 

"What?" StarKate sat up. "A Random Guy Named Chris Podima is loose?" 

"Might very well be," Tina answered. "But why'd she mention Mary Sues?" 

A sudden rumbling in the distance caught the three's attention. 

"Looks like the Giant Wombats are on the move again," Max observed. 

"Max," Starkate said. "The Giant Wombats live in MY head, not in the Cardboard Box!" 

"Then what is that?" Max said, pointing at a cloud of dust that was rapidly moving towards the Aluminum Trashcan. 

Suddenly, to the horror of the threesome, the sound of beautiful voices singing crappy 21st century pop tunes drifted to their ears. StarKate, the music lover of the bunch, doubled up in pain with her hands over her ears. Tina's eyes widened in the sheerest horror. 

"Oh God!" Tina shouted. "It's an army of Mary Sues!" 

Max screamed like a little girl. "No way I'm sticking around for this!" He ran towards StarKate and jumped at her head, disappearing mid-jump. Tina snorted at the cowardice of imaginary friends and started to kick StarKate. 

"Get up," she yelled, "get up you! We have to get out of here or the 'Sues will trample us!" 

StarKate was rocking back and forth. "Nick Carter. . . Britney Spears. . . Tiinaaaa, make the bad music go 'way!" 

Somewhere, a female, non-Mary-Sue voice said that BSB sang really well, compared to N*Stink. 

"They'll roll right over us and keep going right into the Cardboard Box!" Tina announced. "We have to warn everyone!" 

"But neither of us are in good enough shape to outrun Mary Sues!" StarKate announced. 

Tina groaned. "So get Odorf to fly us there, you polka-dotted idiot!" 

StarKate jumped up. "Oh yeah!" 

Tina pulled Jorinna into the Aluminum Trashcan as quickly as she could, while StarKate started jumping up and down and screaming her dragons name at the top of her lungs. Just as Tina shut the door of the Aluminum Trashcan, a large ice-blue dragon landed next to StarKate, and she jumped on his back. 

"There's an army of Mary Sues headed this way!" Odorf announced. 

"We noticed," Tina commented, climbing onto Odorf's back. 

"Take us to the Cardboard Box, Odorf!" StarKate begged. 

"Gladly." 

The dragon lifted off just before the Mary Sues came stampeding past the Aluminum Trashcan. Neither StarKate nor Tina failed to notice that most of them seemed to be yelling the name of their favorite hobbit. 

"Chris Podima," Tina deducted. "It has to be. No LotR character would EVER enlist the aid of 'Sues." 

StarKate started shouting to anyone who would listen. She also shouted to people who wouldn't listen. "THE MARY SUES ARE COMING! THE MARY SUES ARE COMING!" 

"You sound like a bad parody of Paul Revere…" Tina noted. 

"Shaddup and help me warn everyone. THE MARY SUES ARE COMING!" 

*** 

T, N, V, and San were in midair, looking down at a massive heard of 'Sues, stampeding through the lush green countryside. 

"Oh, joy," said T. "Clichés, AND Mary-Sues!" 

N looked around. "Time to call in the draclings, I guess…" 

"Huh?" V suddenly looked up. "Why?" 

San rolled her eyes. "Only younger people can eat vast amounts of sweets and not die of sugar high! And we've ALL dined on Mary Sues…" 

Everyone shuddered, remembering the stomachaches. 

"Nekalith and I'll get backup," T announced as she shaded her eyes. "I don't want to be around when you guys rip into the 'Sues." 

V grinned deviously. "Ah, 'Sues. The other, other, other, other, other, other, OTHER urple meat!" 

San smiled 'innocently' before pulling out a flame-thrower, a guillotine, and a squirt gun of mud, catsup and mustard. Grinning, she said, "I love my job!" 

T and N flew off, and San and V had their…'Fun,' shouting things like "I got her hair!!!" and "I got the eyes!" 

…Um, YEAH… 

*** 

A short guy with spiky, dirty-blonde hair and dark blue eyes was stalking around the Cardboard Box with his can of urple spray paint, in case he saw Chris and Chriss. His name was Pan. Pan's Boyfriend, Lee, was stalking Pan. Lee was tall, with dark hair and blue eyes. 

"STOP STALKING ME, YOU FOOL!" Pan shouted. 

Lee smiled 'innocently.' "Who, me? I'm not stalking you!" 

"YES YOU ARE!" 

"Nope. I would never do such a thing." 

Pan walked off, muttering something about crack and a monkey. 

Later… 

"I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU TO STOP STALKING ME!" Pan shouted…again. 

"I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU I WASN'T STALKING YOU!" Lee shouted back. 

Pan gave up. "It's hopeless..." 

Lee smiled. "Gets him every time." 

"Oh you…WAIT! What's this?" 

Our heros have found a clue! It looks like a footprint! Stay tuned for another chapter with a cliff-hanger ending! 


	2. The Mary Sues Attack!

Esau, Hika, and CBB walked into the Recon File Storage Unit. She is spinning around in her chair. Éomer is *still* organizing the files. 

Esau cleared his throat. "Umm...excuse me?" 

"WeEeEeEeEeEeEeEEEEEE!" She kept spinning. 

Éomer sweat dropped. "Hello, and welcome to the Mary-Sue Recon File Storage Unit...thing. I am Éomer son of Éomund. May I help you?" 

"'Son of Éomund'? That's a strange last name," CBB observed. 

"Hey! That was my father's name!" Éomer anounced, miffed. 

"'Son of Éomund'?" 

"No, Éom--never mind," Éomer said, giving up. "How can I help you gentlemen, and most lovely of ladies?" 

She stopped spinning. "Hey!" 

Éomer looked closer. "Wait a minute...I recognize you...you're the one that made me marry...HER!" he shouted, pointing at She. 

"Oh," She noticed the guests for the first time. "HI, HIKA!" 

"Please, people!" Esau held up his hands. "Did you see two veeeery similar men in here early, asking for some Recon files?" 

"Uh-huh!" She nodded, smiling. "They wanted Frodo Mary-Sues with bad grammar." 

Hika screamed. Loudly. No one blamed her. 

"…Oops." 

"Frodo Mary-Sues?!" Esau said. "It's worse than I thought. Podima's going to take over the whole Cardboard Box...using THOSE vile creatures!" 

"Wait a minute…" She thought a bit. "THAT was A Random Guy Named Chris Podima? But he seemed so nice..." 

Éomer slapped his forehead. 

"Did he say where he was going?" Esau asked. 

She shook her head. "Uh-uh. What a jerk! Taking advantage of my delicate mental state and tricking me like that! I...I need some time by myself to rethink my life..." The woman picked up a magazine and shuffled into the bathroom. 

Esau stared for a bit. "Right." He looked at Éomer. "Do you know where Podima went?" 

"I'm sorry; we don't know." 

Esau slammed his fist on the table. "Drat! And we were so close to Podima, too! Come on...we'll find him yet..." 

Hika and Esau left, muttering. CBB stayed and stared at Éomer. 

"What?" he asked uncomfortably. 

"So your name is 'Éomer no, Éom--never mind'?" CBB asked. 

Éomer sighed. "Would you just get out of here already?!" 

"Right! Sorry!" 

As CBB rushed out, Éomer sat down in She's chair and lit up a pipe. "I need to get out of here." 

*** 

Once again, Jessica appears, wearing the same clothes, but she was outside in the garden. "Last time I was out here... The Sue attacked me. It was the bloodiest fight ever. But I survived." 

Benemirian, Jessica's red-eyed, black dragon, came out and sat on Jess's shoulder. Small dragon. 

"The sues are terrible," Ben said monotonously. "There tried to kill me. It was.. horrible." 

"I know, Ben." Jessica walked over to a tree and was magically wearing leather pants and a red leather bikini top. She jumped into the tree. "This is my look-out spot. Where I watch for 'Sues." 

As fate would have it, Odorf chose that exact moment to swoop by that very tree where Jessica was on the lookout for Mary-Sues. 

"THE MARY SUES ARE COMING! THE MARY SUES ARE COMING!" 

Tina had her ears covered. "Gawdalmighty, you scream louder than Jorinna!" 

"But this is a crisis!" Kate announced. "I HAVE to scream!" 

*** 

Jessica was in the Mary-Sue Recon File Storage Unit where she would soon do... something. 

She Who Gives Migraines came out of the bathroom. "I get it! I have to feed the monkey! THAT'S my purpose in life. IT ALL MAKES SENSE NOW! EHEHEHEHEEEE!" She looked at Jessica. "Who're you?" 

"Hello. is this the Mary-Sue Recon File Storage Unit?" 

She and Eomer nodded. 

"I see," Jess said. "Well then. I'm Jessica Night, here to help you stop the 'Sues once and for all. They're afraid of me, you see. They'll wrecklessly go near me but they will not fight me. We can use that fear to our advantage. Do you agree?" 

She merely glitter of glittered. 

Jess waited. 

She blinked again. 

Éomer stared. 

She glared. "Y'know...Mary-Sues generally have power over people like that, too. A power to do the unexplained. If you have the same power, then you must be...A MARY-SUE!" 

"What?!" Jess shouted. "No! I'm not a--" 

But it was useless. She was already running aound and screaming. "AAAAAHHHH!!!! ÉOMER! BURN THE FILES! SHE CAN NEVER BE ALLOWED TO KNOW THE LOCATION OF HER BRETHEREN!" She pulled out a lighter, opened the nearest file cabinent, and set the files on fire. 

"SWEET BEMA!" Éomer shouted. "NOOOO!" 

Jessica backed away slowly. 

"QUICK, ÉOMER!" She shouted. "WE'LL ESCAPE OUT THE WINDOW! RUUUUN!" 

"NO, SHE!" Éomer yelled while trying to put out the fire. "WE'RE TEN STORIES UP! SHE! DOOON'T!" 

"YOU'LL NEVER GET ME, MARY-SUE! OR MY FILES! AHAHAHAHAHAAAA! SWEET LIBERTY FROM BADFIC, HERE I COME! AHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAA!" With that, the crazed fangirl jumped out the window. 

"BEMA!" Éomer pulled off his shirt and starts beating out the flames. 

"Umm…" Jess walked to the door. "I'll just...go then," she said as she ran out. 

Ten floors down, She simply said "Owie…" 

**** 

In the Slytherin common room… 

"I never knew She'd go against me," Jessica looked down. "I have no allies anymore. No one to trust." 

"There's still me," Draco said. "And Tom, too." 

Tom randomly appeared. "Hey. What's up?" 

Jess sighed. "Everyone thinks I'm a Mary-Sue because all the other Mary-Sues are afraid of me. None of the people in this scheme to get rid of MS's are on my side. There's only you two now." 

Tom sat down next to Jess and put his arm around her. "We're with you all the way." 

"Thank you," she said. 

"Let's get this adventure on with then," Draco announced. "Mary-Sues really creep me out." 

"We know," Tom and Jess said. With that, all three of them left. 

*** 

"AHA! A CLUE! Look, Lee!" 

Lee glanced at it. "So it's a footprint. Big deal." 

"But not just any footprint!" Pan observed. "It's a CHRIS PODIMA footprint!" 

"So?" 

Pan smacked his head in frustration. "Sometimes I wonder what I see in you.... This means that we're one step closer to finding Podima!" 

"Oh," Lee said before he started following Pan again, humming "Die Another Day." 

"SHUT! UP!" Pan shouted. 

"OK...no need to yell, love," Lee said. 

Pan did an anime sweat drop. "We need quite for this mission. If Podima hears us, he'll run away." 

"Oh. " 

Both followed a trail of strangely glowing urpley footprints to a small room in the back of the Cardboard Box. 

"Ssshhh!" said Pan. 

"I am 'ssshhh!'" 

Pan did an anime fall. "Just listen." 

"OK." 

Two voices were heard inside the room. 

*** 

Chris was laughing evilly. "Our plan is perfect, Chriss! We will be able to take over the Cardboard Box soon enough!" 

"But why the Mary-Sues?" 

"Because! They disrupt the canon and the fangirls here hate them!" 

"That makes sense…" Chriss said. 

"Of course it does! I came up with it! And I'm an evil genius, aren't I? Now, go get me some food." 

*** 

Pan was shaking. "N-not the M-M-Mary-Sues!" 

"What's a Mary-Sue?" 

"A sickeningly perfect girl. She disrupts canon. And all the guys fall in love with her." 

Lee shuddered. "Scaaaary." 

Pan blinked. "I think I have a plan!" 

"Oh, what?!" 

"They probably won't be very tolerant of homosexuals, right?" 

"I guess..." 

"So we can can defend the Cardboard Box!" 

"...How?" 

Pan sweat dropped. "We can scare them off. Easily. Or we could just hire the PPC..." 

*** 

Tom, Jess, and Draco are in a place that looks sickeningly perfect. 

"Is sickeningly a word?" Draco asked. 

"Why?" Jess asked. 

"Because it describes this place." 

"That it does." 

A Chirraray snuck up behind Jessica, knocked her out, then ran away. 

"Oh my God!" Tom shouted has he ran over to Jess, followed by Draco. 

*** 

"Hey!" CBB said. "HEY! WATCH OUT!" 

SPLAT! 

She looked around. "I'M ALIVE! But how?" 

"Owwie..." 

She looked down. "HI CBB! HOW ARE YOU?!" 

"Get...off..." 

"Oh!" she smiled and got up. "Ok!" 

CBB got up. "Ow..." 

She stared at him. "Weren't you just here? You came right before the Mary-Sue!" 

"What?" he was confused. "I never came here! I just got here looking for Esau! I've got to warn him!" 

"Warn him about what?" 

"That." He pointed behind her. 

She turned around. "Hika! HIIIIIIII!!!" 

"HIIIIIIII!" 

Both did the funky chicken. 

"Weren't you just here?" She asked. 

Hika blinked. "Was I? CBB?" 

"Well, I-um. I don't remember." 

"Remember what?" She asked. 

"I dunno." 

Everyone blinked. 

She looked around. "Wasn't Esau here with you?" 

Hika blinked again. "No. We just got here." 

"Then where's Esau?" 

Suddenly, there was a distant scream. 

"Hey...what's that?" CBB asked. 

Everyone looked around. 

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH-oomf! I'M ALIVE!" 

"The...pain..." CBB groaned as Éomer got up. 

CBB continued to lie on the ground. "Pain...oh well." He got up. "Who are you?" 

"Éo-wait. I'm not doing THAT again." 

"...Your name is Éo-wait-I'm-not-doing-that-again?" 

"NO!" Éomer shouted. "We just went through this!" 

"Did we?" 

"YES!" 

"I'm sure I would've remembered..." 

~Meanwhile~ 

Somewhere over the Cardboard Box, StarKate and Tina were still swooping around on Odorf, screaming about Mary Sues...well, StarKate was screaming anyway. 

"THE MARY SUES ARE COMING! THE MARY--" 

"WILL YOU SHUT UP ALREADY?!" Tina shouted. "THERE'S NO ONE HERE TO HEAR US!" 

"But I have to WAAARN them!" StarKate whined. 

"But there's no one here to w. . . wait a minute. . . isn't that She?" 

"The one standing at the foot of the ten story building with CBB and Hika? Right beneath a flaming window? Inside which Eomer is frantically trying to put flames out on his spiffy Rohirric garb? And now he just jumped out and landed on CBB? 

"That would be She then." 

"HEEEEEEEEY!" 

Odorf landed next to She, and StarKate jumped off her dragon and prodded She. "Hiya She! You don't look so good. Whatcha doin here? Oh, by the way, the Mary Sues are coming." 

~Meanwhile~ 

Esau, Hikaness, and CBB were in a car. 

Silence. 

"Can I turn the radio on?" Hika asked. 

"Go ahead," Esau said. 

"RADIO DISNEY!" CBB shouted. 

Hikaness turned on the radio. 

"-eaking news. An invasion of Mary-Sues is overwhelming the United Internet States! To no one's surprise, Fanfiction.Net-Town is the center of the invasion, which is moving steadily towards Deep-Ice.com City. A wave of authors, authoresses, fangirls, and fanboys are fleeing their homes with their fiction, trying to save it from the demonic influence of the Mary-Sues. Many have been overtaken by the Sues. It is not known what has happened to them. Now we go to George Henrikson at Geocities City. George?" 

"Tom, Geocities is right at the frontline of the invasion. We can hear the singing and laughing of the Sues as they rampage through the city. Several thousand authors and their works have been captured. We-" The sound of a door banging open was heard. 

A feminine voice said over the radio, "Hi there! I'm an average girl who is a master at judo! Wheee! You're cute!" 

"No! No! NOOOOOOOOOOOOO-" 

Esau switched radio off. "There's got to be a source to all this. Podima must have an HQ where he's coordinating the invasion." 

"But where?" Hika asked. 

"The place we'd least expect...the Cardboard Box."   


*** 

Banging was heard distantly. A black, blue spotted giraffe named Kiki was shaking a girl with bright red hair and fairly large (and rarely functioning) wings named Magical Flying Cupcake (normally shortened to MFC) franticly. "Ummm…I think somethings going on." 

"Huh? Wha? WOAH!" MFC jumped up, revealing that she was wearing a T-shirt with the words 'The badgers live forever' on it. "I must've fallen alseep while I was plotting my revenge on whoever stole my cookie." 

The banging got louder, so MFC went to the door and looked through peep whole. Gasping, she said, "Oh, Fried Chicken, this looks bad." 

"What?" a guy with green skin, big blue eyes, and short blonde hair asked. His name was Mick. 

"Mary-Sues!" MFC announced. "Hundreds of them! They're everywhere!" 

Everyone gasped. 

"What are we gonna do?" a girl with middle-length, curly brown hair and a vacant expression asked. This was Tamatha. 

"Well, *I* need to contact the Cheese Grater/Wooden Spoon so I can figure out what's going on," MFC said. 

"Why him?" 

"Because he's my best spy! Don't you people listen to A WORD I SAY?!" 

"What?" Mick asked, distracted by The Flying Cow With Wings. 

She slapped her forehead. 

"So what can we do to help?" Kiki asked. 

"Lock every door and window in the house!" MFC told them. "Make sure there's no way for the Mary-Sues to get in!" She got out a video phone and dialed a number. 

Cheese Grater/Wooden Spoon appeared on the screen. 

"What's going on Che-" MFC stopped. "You know what? I'm just gonna call you Brett. What's going on Brett? There are Mary-Sues everwhere! Their voices, they're so grotesquely perfect I can barely think." 

'Brett' said, "Let me guess. You fell asleep in the mist of a crisis again. It's A Random Guy Named Chris Podima, he's escaped, has a typo-twin, they're banning together with the Mary-Sues, and they're going to try to take over the Cardboard Box!" 

"That's horrible! Where is everyone?" 

"You'll find most at the front of the Mary-Sue Recon File Storage Unit." 

"I'm on it," said MFC as she summoned her giant Flying Forks of DOOM. 

"Wait!" Kiki shouted. "What about us? We want to help!" 

"You can stay here and make sure no one gets in; there's valuble information in here that need protecting." 

"But Iz-" Tamatha started before MFC interupted her. 

"HUSH!! How many times have I told you my real name cannot be spoken! I am The Magical Flying Cupcake, but NEVER Izzy." Realizing what she just said, she slapped her forehead. "Damnit damnit damnit damnit damnit damnit!" 

"Nice job," said Mick. 

"Shutup," Tamatha told him. 

"You shutup." 

"You shutup." 

"You shutup." 

"You shutup." 

"You shutup." 

"You shutup" 

"BOTH OF YOU SHUTUP!" MFC yelled. "Now, I'm off to see what I can do, you all stay here and ward off the Mary-Sues. I'll have the goafers come and help you. Good luck." She flew off on her giant Flying Fork of DOOM.. 

*** 

"AMSA Agent Millikov Reporting for Duty!" Millikov said. "Now I don't know in Yavanna's name is going on, but there's been a huge influx of Mary Sues, and the mole says that they're going to try to hijack the Cardboard Box. I'm on it. No matter how cliched the Mary Sue is, the ASMA (Anti Mary sue Authors) will stop her/it. And Millikov is on the case. No need for backup, as long as I've got my trusty comrades Ascafalath and Celeporn with me. 

A deformed elf named Ascafalath said, "Yesss....do it for the preciousss..." 

The MiniBalrog, Celeporn, gnashed his teeth. 

"Hang on Hika, we're coming. Off we go. Weeh!" 

For some reason, they were never heard from again. 

*** 

A short, skinny, brown-eyed girl with shoulder-length brown hair with copper, red, and blond streaks said "Ssshhh!!!" Yes, that was her hair color. And it was natural too. Go figure. She was Chel the Elf. The Urple Flying Penguins were following Chel. Under her breath, Chel said "Soy loco?" 

"Si," an Urple Flying Penguin answered. "Tu eres." 

"Shaddap," she said. 

"Why are we here again?" 

"Because you're urple. Now go in there and kidnap Podima and his typo twin before I sic Evan on you!" 

"OK! " 


End file.
